Harley Quinn

When I decided on a whim about a month ago to go on a six hour adventure to pick up a puppy, there are a few things people didn't tell me about raising a eight-week-old pup by yourself.

There are days when I want to rip my hair out and scream. When she refuses to go out, or come in, or tries to eat everything (so far a few phone chargers, a few pairs of shoes, her food bowls, the rugs, and rat poison to name a couple...so far), when I give her a bath and she jumps in a creek, etc, etc...

There are moments when I can hardly hold back from vomiting. You know. The picking up of all sorts of bodily fluids your hands or nose should never, ever, be near...like seriously.

You're gonna lose sleep. You're gonna look like or feel like a zombie. It's part of the gig of a crying little furball who has to pee almost every twenty seconds. Suck it sweetheart.

She needs you. More than just to put out food and water. If she wants to play, or sleep, or explore, she's gonna need you to have her back...like nonstop.

You're gonna drop off socially. Yeah, I would really love to stay out all night and day but...we're watching movies in front of a fan right now. So, I'll get back to you...if she can come with...

You're gonna need her. More than you ever thought you could need someone that can't speak. There are days when she's the only reason you pull through. When she jumps up in your lap and ruins your clothes with clumsy, muddy, paws that it'll be the highlight of your day. When she's afraid and snuggles up on your shoulder, you'll feel like you're doing something right in this world. When a friend goes to walk into your house and she starts barking at them you'll feel protected (even if she's only twenty pounds or so of fluff, her heart's in the right spot). When you tell her to sit, and she actually does, you'll glow with that weird sense of pride like, hey, I taught you that, and hey, you're the smartest pup on the face of the earth, and I'm the luckiest furmom on it because you're mine.

Malevolence.

The world is a funny place. Most of it doesn't make one damned bit of sense. In my little life I've seen some absolutely asinine events take place, along with wondrous moments in time. Most times we have to fall in order to rise; the fall always feels worse than it is, while the rise seldom works out the way we intended.

However, we all find reasons to carry on and persevere. For some, we strive for success, or power, or passion. Whatever drives you, whatever gives you wings, whatever helps you get through your day. These motives are what make the human world go round.

These things are what I hate about the world we live in. People pushing others down for their own personal gain. Women shaming one another out of jealousy and spite. Greedy, selfish, rude, arrogant assholes are what control this world, and hey, if you can't beat 'em...bullshit.

Everyone feels like they need to be the best. The prettiest. Make the most money. Have the most degrees. Obtain the most credit. But when you sit back and look at all of that, where does it get you? If you look at what your actions actually do to people, are you proud?

I hope not.

The things that drive me are my family, my pups, my art, my love.

If there's anything in this world that makes you want to be a better human, do it. If there's something that makes you want to make yourself a better, bigger, more powerful tyrant, please take another good look at the people around you. If your family can't stand to be around you because all you do is talk about work, money, or put people down. Or if your coworkers hate working with you because you sit and try to find all the short cuts while everyone else has to pick up your slack and you're making more simply because of your lack of work ethic. Or if you can hardly spend any time alone simply because you can't even stand your own company...

Maybe you should look at how your actions are actually influencing this world. Money and beauty are but trifles. They mean only as much as you pretend they do.

Resurrection.

First off, I would like to offer my apologies for having not posted in...quite some time. A lot of things have been changing, rapidly, and I honestly didn't know how to put my feelings into words for the longest time.

Now, I most certainly can.

When you start to fall in love with someone, you never expect to look back on your time together with total disdain and regret. I wish I could think of more happy memories, but the few I have are tainted. Almost a year and a half of feeling like I was never good enough, never quite right, always in the wrong, and made to feel like everything I loved was not as important as anything else.

Well, three weeks later, with these eyes wide open, I can tell you, my friends and family were still here waiting for me. They didn't give up on me, and that means enough as is. I'm slowly remembering who I am, and re-learning how to be comfortable with this woman that I cannot change (even though, I did try my damndest). I am strange, I am funny, I am beautiful, I am intelligent, I am tattooed, I love to dance, I love to read, I love to sleep in on my days off, and I love to work. I can now be and do all these things unashamedly, and it's the best feeling in the absolute world.

It hit me the other day at around five in the morning, sitting in a Waffle House off the interstate, dressed in fishnets and a tutu, with the company of two of the most genuine, intelligent, witty, surprising men I've known in my travels, while listening to Lady Gaga on the jukebox and eating cheesy grits that my life is back to exactly where I want it to be. In that moment, I wouldn't have changed a damn thing. (even the extremely weirded out glances from the patrons at the bar. Yeah, we were wearing black, it's slimming!)

Do I have a plan for my future? Absolutely not. Is that frightening? Not anymore. The hardest part of ending my relationship was absolutely giving up on my life plan, but now I can honestly say it was the best decision I've ever made. I can get married and have kids and a house and a proper art room all in good time and certainly not on a timeline situation ever again.

I feel like most people become jaded because of terrible ex-relationship situations but what I've gained from this is not that I hate him or I never want to be in a relationship again, it's only that I absolutely refuse to let someone strip me of who I am ever again. To the next man who has the pleasure of falling in love with me, I'm extraordinarily odd, but very simple.
Who doesn't want someone to simply just love them, flaws and all? Who doesn't want a partner that they can share small victories with? Who doesn't want a partner that simply wants to spend time with them for the mere fact that they enjoy that person's company?

That's, rather simply, the mission that I remain on.

Carry on my friends, Frankie's back with an insatiable appetite for life.

Monsoon.

My whole life I've had to deal with people that I've loved and depended on, leaving me. Time and time again. From fathers to friends, the pain never lessens. Each and every time it adds a layer of doubt, suspicion, and hate to my heart. After so many years of being distrustful, I still try to find ways to let love in. I've nearly killed myself with hard talks and forgiveness and letting the past die with yesterday.

That doesn't mean that it ever gets any easier to have someone who means the world to you, give up and walk away. It feels as if my heart has been torn and shattered to where my emotions can't even communicate with one another through the remnants of what was a mending soul.

I feel like I've failed. I'm flawed. I'm unfixable. Unlovable. Useless. And sorry. So sorry.

Today, I don't feel like a very strong woman. I feel like an eight year old little girl who just lost the one reason that gave her life meaning.

Hopefully, I find a new meaning. But today, I just want to sit and cry.

Vortex

There are days, that I wake up and feel like the last twenty years of my life have gone by in an absolute blur. I want to play, and watch cartoons, and wonder why my mom's not in the kitchen making pancakes...and then it dawns on me.

I'm a grown up.

My siblings are all engaged, I have an amazing (turning 2 tomorrow!) goddaughter, a beautiful niece, and, I'm sure, another gorgeous niece on the way. I have a house, a car, and two jobs. The only question I have is, WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN?!

I feel like far too often, we get wrapped up in our goals and dreams that we forget the journey of everything. Ever since I was a very small child all I ever wanted was to grow up, and now, here we are...and I just want to sit in bed reading and watching the Little Mermaid on repeat, and that's what brings me to this conclusion: yes, I am a mature, determined, responsible adult, but that doesn't ever mean that I have to give up the things that have helped to mold and create who I am today. Yes, I still lose my mind over Harry Potter, but thankfully I'm part of a huge generation that grew up with Harry, and those books got me through some of the most trying times of my life.

You don't have to lose your childlike wonder to be an adult, and quite personally I think someday, like ten years away someday, it'll be the key to my success as a mother. So, I guess what I'm trying to get at here is, everyone needs to take a giant breath, and relax. Don't be afraid to laugh. Or create something. And by all means, get messy! Play in the rain. Dance in your car. Call your brother and reminisce about the time you made him wake mom up at five in the morning because you missed your bus. Come back to your roots. Drive by the place you remember seeing your first crush. Stop pretending that you're going to make it out of this world alive. You're not, I'm not. Be spontaneous. Live in the moment. Go somewhere new. Seriously, stop reading this and have a pillow fight with your love.

I know I need this reminder from time to time. So get out there, and stop taking yourself so seriously.

Tower

There are days that I look in the mirror and think, what in the world am I doing? I second guess myself, I chalk my life up as a failure, I dread leaving my bed...as I sit and ponder all the things that are terribly wrong, or that could go disastrously wrong I start to crumble. Will I be happy? Will I be content? Will I be healthy? Will my loved ones do the same? Every day a new worry or fear crops up into my brain like a disease and I realize, no matter how long I sit and ponder all the things that are wrong in this world, that nothing is ever going to change or improve by me sitting around and crumbling into a ball of holy shit.

As humans, we constantly are taught to strive for the best, to be the best, to have it all...well I'm definitely not the best, (and I most certainly don't have much, not even close to it all) but I can proudly say that I may be the best sister, or daughter, or godmother, or friend, or girlfriend that I know. I try harder than most people to be there for those that I care about and to try and be understanding in all situations. To me, that's more important that being the prettiest, or the most successful, or even the smartest. I try my best to put my mask on and face the world, always trying to be there for someone, because I know, if I had a me in my life, that she would need me there for her.

There is no best in this world, there are only those who try the hardest. Those who never give up, despite any and every set back. The problem with these people, is that over time we break, we crack, and we reinforce our walls to try and protect ourselves from ever being damaged again. We need people to extend a smile, a hug, a word of wisdom but we are too tough to ask.

This, precisely, is why the world is full of assholes. People who have built their walls so tall and thick that they've lost touch with others. Being vulnerable is NOT a trait we see as desirable in our society but I swear to you, we need it. We need expression. Communication. Human beings thrive on any connection to someone else. How strange the feeling that whatever battle you're waging, that someone else is indeed struggling with the same fear, the same demons. How amazing it is to be able to reach out and have someone on your side to help you through the dark times.

I guess what I'm getting at, is there are some battles I'm tired of fighting alone. I'm over being on the verge of tears at every turn. I'm exhausted trying to always do the right things. And if that's where I'm at, I know someone else is too. I'm at a dead end on my road, my options are to drastically change and turn left, or someone's gotta give so I can turn right. We'll see the outcome. But for today, please, try and make a difference in someone's life. We are all struggling in one way or another. No one is perfect. Everyone needs something that they are not getting. You are most certainly, not alone.

Monsters

All day yesterday, I contemplated different women who inspire me. Now, with being a young woman in today's society where many women my age are obsessed with TV shows, movies, and the no-talent-megabillion-celebrities (how do those people get famous?!) you may wonder, to whom do we look up to? Miley? Now, while she is by her definition, successful, I see her as a total mess. Not because she walks around in next to nothing, not even because of the weird tongue thing or licking construction tools, but because she seems quite lost on who she is, thereby allowing others to inject what qualities they wish her to portray for sales sake. Unfortunately for us, her music continues to get catchier and now women across the globe are shaking their asses to "Blurred Lines" and not realizing the song is about date rape. At least Sublime was up front about it. (amirite?)

Moving on, there aren't many famous people that I would ever want to aspire to be in our day and age. The Janis days are sadly long gone and instead of showing women you can do whatever and be whatever, we're shown that you should probably be a size zero with a nice tan and show a little bit more cleavage than the gal next to you, and if she's better looking...automatic bitch.

While we all fall into traps of insecurity, I feel that women, more than ever, need to pull ourselves together and well...get over it. Yeah, I said it, move on! I know I am never going to be a size zero. I am never going to be tall or have legs that go on for days, but what I do know is that I am one of the most sincere, honest, caring, persevering, witty, hard-working, and talented women I know. These things, I have strived for. These are qualities I want people to see in me. I am comfortable in my skin. I love my little stocky soccer legs and my beef-cake climber arms. I love that I'm not afraid to take risks. And when it comes down to it, those things mean more to me than being on a red carpet. And that's when it dawned on me...my role models, for the most part, are the women in my life.

My grandmother, taught me so many things about being a good person that I could probably write about her for weeks and still never tire of talking about her. She was always my safe place to land. Since I was a small child she's always taken the time to listen, to extend a smile, a lap that was always ready for me to climb into, a bed that was always big enough for me to share, and shoulders that waited for me to just pour my troubles onto. She never judged. She never argued. She listens. She gives amazing advice. They always say with age comes wisdom, but this woman survived so many trials and setbacks that she was wise beyond her years, I'm sure, before I ever even came along. She's the best friend a girl could ask for...and she likes hip hop even if she hates my tattoos.

My mother. What can I say about this woman? She taught me to have a backbone. She taught me how to laugh. (and not take everything so bloody seriously!...something she is still trying, daily, to get me on board with.) She made me the kick ass take names later fighting beauty queen that I am today. We would be lost without one another, and that's no understatement. She is, by far, the toughest and most sensitive woman you will EVER encounter and I pray you never try and mess with anyone in her family. She's beyond fierce when it comes to her babies. (and now that I'm an Auntie, she's become the most kickass Nana the world will ever see.) My mother taught me that family always comes first, and to me, what better quality could you ever pass on to a child? I am forever indebted to her hilarious, stained-patience, tickle war, baby-talking parenting. We grew up together, taking each blow at a time, putting the pieces back together, and developing the next plan of attack...twenty-four years later, we're an unstoppable force of blonde bombshells. And Mom, since I know you read everything I write...holla bish, I love you and thank you for always being my number one fan.

My sister. Oh lordy, lordy, lordy. Let's talk fighters here for a second. From the second she walked into my life, she was always everything I needed. A reality check. A laugh. An ear to vent. A hey...your phone's in your hand, you didn't lose it. And now, she's a spectacular mother to the most amazing little girl ever. She makes me so proud that sometimes it renders me utterly speechless. She's worked her ass off to get where she is today and she is truly, undoubtedly, inspiring to me. (she's actually the reason I have this blog!) I love her more than she will ever know and someday I hope to be half the mother she is.

My step-mother. A lady who has taught me how to forgive, be patient, and overcome even the most impossible seeming obstacles. (while working more than full-time and raising two amazing little ones she's lost almost a hundred pounds. Truly stunning.) She guided my imagination and creativity. And lastly, but not least, she's shown me that everyone deserves a second chance because, you may never know what a person can offer if you only look at their mistakes.

Now while there are many other women in my life who influence and inspire me on a daily basis (i.e. Emmalee, Megan, Jackie, Christina, Mariko, Hannah, Ally-son, Corrie, Annette, Shawn, Courtney, Julie, Kyla, Bree, Rho, and so on and so forth) if I sat here and listed all these incredible women that I am honored and humbled to have in my life, we would be here for years. I can honestly say that these women have all overcome personal demons that every day people would never guess at because they have all moved past them with such strength. It's truly amazing when you can reach out to others with your heart and they respond in kind. But I just wanted to thank all the wonderful women of the world that have integrity, grit, and dedication. You're all too wonderful.

But while I'm at it, I'm gonna go ahead and do a little rant since I've read some pretty insane hatred today towards the one celebrity that I can get behind. Stefani Germanotta. Many know her as Lady Gaga, but to me, she is simply hope. So what if you don't like her music? So what if her album sales aren't as high? That woman just had a hip replacement surgery and is dancing better than Miley could ever hope for. She writes her own music, she produces her own music...therefore, she writes whatever SHE wants to and wears whatever SHE wants to. For me, it's a breath of fresh air in the music industry that's overwhelmingly full of instruments with artificial talent. (I'm talking about the artists, not their mixers and writers and producers and sound guys...etc.) So before you guys all start raving about how she's a has been because of one album she wrote in a week...make sure you have more talent in your body than she has in her fingernails. That's all.