Monsoon.

My whole life I've had to deal with people that I've loved and depended on, leaving me. Time and time again. From fathers to friends, the pain never lessens. Each and every time it adds a layer of doubt, suspicion, and hate to my heart. After so many years of being distrustful, I still try to find ways to let love in. I've nearly killed myself with hard talks and forgiveness and letting the past die with yesterday.

That doesn't mean that it ever gets any easier to have someone who means the world to you, give up and walk away. It feels as if my heart has been torn and shattered to where my emotions can't even communicate with one another through the remnants of what was a mending soul.

I feel like I've failed. I'm flawed. I'm unfixable. Unlovable. Useless. And sorry. So sorry.

Today, I don't feel like a very strong woman. I feel like an eight year old little girl who just lost the one reason that gave her life meaning.

Hopefully, I find a new meaning. But today, I just want to sit and cry.

Vortex

There are days, that I wake up and feel like the last twenty years of my life have gone by in an absolute blur. I want to play, and watch cartoons, and wonder why my mom's not in the kitchen making pancakes...and then it dawns on me.

I'm a grown up.

My siblings are all engaged, I have an amazing (turning 2 tomorrow!) goddaughter, a beautiful niece, and, I'm sure, another gorgeous niece on the way. I have a house, a car, and two jobs. The only question I have is, WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN?!

I feel like far too often, we get wrapped up in our goals and dreams that we forget the journey of everything. Ever since I was a very small child all I ever wanted was to grow up, and now, here we are...and I just want to sit in bed reading and watching the Little Mermaid on repeat, and that's what brings me to this conclusion: yes, I am a mature, determined, responsible adult, but that doesn't ever mean that I have to give up the things that have helped to mold and create who I am today. Yes, I still lose my mind over Harry Potter, but thankfully I'm part of a huge generation that grew up with Harry, and those books got me through some of the most trying times of my life.

You don't have to lose your childlike wonder to be an adult, and quite personally I think someday, like ten years away someday, it'll be the key to my success as a mother. So, I guess what I'm trying to get at here is, everyone needs to take a giant breath, and relax. Don't be afraid to laugh. Or create something. And by all means, get messy! Play in the rain. Dance in your car. Call your brother and reminisce about the time you made him wake mom up at five in the morning because you missed your bus. Come back to your roots. Drive by the place you remember seeing your first crush. Stop pretending that you're going to make it out of this world alive. You're not, I'm not. Be spontaneous. Live in the moment. Go somewhere new. Seriously, stop reading this and have a pillow fight with your love.

I know I need this reminder from time to time. So get out there, and stop taking yourself so seriously.