Tower

There are days that I look in the mirror and think, what in the world am I doing? I second guess myself, I chalk my life up as a failure, I dread leaving my bed...as I sit and ponder all the things that are terribly wrong, or that could go disastrously wrong I start to crumble. Will I be happy? Will I be content? Will I be healthy? Will my loved ones do the same? Every day a new worry or fear crops up into my brain like a disease and I realize, no matter how long I sit and ponder all the things that are wrong in this world, that nothing is ever going to change or improve by me sitting around and crumbling into a ball of holy shit.

As humans, we constantly are taught to strive for the best, to be the best, to have it all...well I'm definitely not the best, (and I most certainly don't have much, not even close to it all) but I can proudly say that I may be the best sister, or daughter, or godmother, or friend, or girlfriend that I know. I try harder than most people to be there for those that I care about and to try and be understanding in all situations. To me, that's more important that being the prettiest, or the most successful, or even the smartest. I try my best to put my mask on and face the world, always trying to be there for someone, because I know, if I had a me in my life, that she would need me there for her.

There is no best in this world, there are only those who try the hardest. Those who never give up, despite any and every set back. The problem with these people, is that over time we break, we crack, and we reinforce our walls to try and protect ourselves from ever being damaged again. We need people to extend a smile, a hug, a word of wisdom but we are too tough to ask.

This, precisely, is why the world is full of assholes. People who have built their walls so tall and thick that they've lost touch with others. Being vulnerable is NOT a trait we see as desirable in our society but I swear to you, we need it. We need expression. Communication. Human beings thrive on any connection to someone else. How strange the feeling that whatever battle you're waging, that someone else is indeed struggling with the same fear, the same demons. How amazing it is to be able to reach out and have someone on your side to help you through the dark times.

I guess what I'm getting at, is there are some battles I'm tired of fighting alone. I'm over being on the verge of tears at every turn. I'm exhausted trying to always do the right things. And if that's where I'm at, I know someone else is too. I'm at a dead end on my road, my options are to drastically change and turn left, or someone's gotta give so I can turn right. We'll see the outcome. But for today, please, try and make a difference in someone's life. We are all struggling in one way or another. No one is perfect. Everyone needs something that they are not getting. You are most certainly, not alone.

Monsters

All day yesterday, I contemplated different women who inspire me. Now, with being a young woman in today's society where many women my age are obsessed with TV shows, movies, and the no-talent-megabillion-celebrities (how do those people get famous?!) you may wonder, to whom do we look up to? Miley? Now, while she is by her definition, successful, I see her as a total mess. Not because she walks around in next to nothing, not even because of the weird tongue thing or licking construction tools, but because she seems quite lost on who she is, thereby allowing others to inject what qualities they wish her to portray for sales sake. Unfortunately for us, her music continues to get catchier and now women across the globe are shaking their asses to "Blurred Lines" and not realizing the song is about date rape. At least Sublime was up front about it. (amirite?)

Moving on, there aren't many famous people that I would ever want to aspire to be in our day and age. The Janis days are sadly long gone and instead of showing women you can do whatever and be whatever, we're shown that you should probably be a size zero with a nice tan and show a little bit more cleavage than the gal next to you, and if she's better looking...automatic bitch.

While we all fall into traps of insecurity, I feel that women, more than ever, need to pull ourselves together and well...get over it. Yeah, I said it, move on! I know I am never going to be a size zero. I am never going to be tall or have legs that go on for days, but what I do know is that I am one of the most sincere, honest, caring, persevering, witty, hard-working, and talented women I know. These things, I have strived for. These are qualities I want people to see in me. I am comfortable in my skin. I love my little stocky soccer legs and my beef-cake climber arms. I love that I'm not afraid to take risks. And when it comes down to it, those things mean more to me than being on a red carpet. And that's when it dawned on me...my role models, for the most part, are the women in my life.

My grandmother, taught me so many things about being a good person that I could probably write about her for weeks and still never tire of talking about her. She was always my safe place to land. Since I was a small child she's always taken the time to listen, to extend a smile, a lap that was always ready for me to climb into, a bed that was always big enough for me to share, and shoulders that waited for me to just pour my troubles onto. She never judged. She never argued. She listens. She gives amazing advice. They always say with age comes wisdom, but this woman survived so many trials and setbacks that she was wise beyond her years, I'm sure, before I ever even came along. She's the best friend a girl could ask for...and she likes hip hop even if she hates my tattoos.

My mother. What can I say about this woman? She taught me to have a backbone. She taught me how to laugh. (and not take everything so bloody seriously!...something she is still trying, daily, to get me on board with.) She made me the kick ass take names later fighting beauty queen that I am today. We would be lost without one another, and that's no understatement. She is, by far, the toughest and most sensitive woman you will EVER encounter and I pray you never try and mess with anyone in her family. She's beyond fierce when it comes to her babies. (and now that I'm an Auntie, she's become the most kickass Nana the world will ever see.) My mother taught me that family always comes first, and to me, what better quality could you ever pass on to a child? I am forever indebted to her hilarious, stained-patience, tickle war, baby-talking parenting. We grew up together, taking each blow at a time, putting the pieces back together, and developing the next plan of attack...twenty-four years later, we're an unstoppable force of blonde bombshells. And Mom, since I know you read everything I write...holla bish, I love you and thank you for always being my number one fan.

My sister. Oh lordy, lordy, lordy. Let's talk fighters here for a second. From the second she walked into my life, she was always everything I needed. A reality check. A laugh. An ear to vent. A hey...your phone's in your hand, you didn't lose it. And now, she's a spectacular mother to the most amazing little girl ever. She makes me so proud that sometimes it renders me utterly speechless. She's worked her ass off to get where she is today and she is truly, undoubtedly, inspiring to me. (she's actually the reason I have this blog!) I love her more than she will ever know and someday I hope to be half the mother she is.

My step-mother. A lady who has taught me how to forgive, be patient, and overcome even the most impossible seeming obstacles. (while working more than full-time and raising two amazing little ones she's lost almost a hundred pounds. Truly stunning.) She guided my imagination and creativity. And lastly, but not least, she's shown me that everyone deserves a second chance because, you may never know what a person can offer if you only look at their mistakes.

Now while there are many other women in my life who influence and inspire me on a daily basis (i.e. Emmalee, Megan, Jackie, Christina, Mariko, Hannah, Ally-son, Corrie, Annette, Shawn, Courtney, Julie, Kyla, Bree, Rho, and so on and so forth) if I sat here and listed all these incredible women that I am honored and humbled to have in my life, we would be here for years. I can honestly say that these women have all overcome personal demons that every day people would never guess at because they have all moved past them with such strength. It's truly amazing when you can reach out to others with your heart and they respond in kind. But I just wanted to thank all the wonderful women of the world that have integrity, grit, and dedication. You're all too wonderful.

But while I'm at it, I'm gonna go ahead and do a little rant since I've read some pretty insane hatred today towards the one celebrity that I can get behind. Stefani Germanotta. Many know her as Lady Gaga, but to me, she is simply hope. So what if you don't like her music? So what if her album sales aren't as high? That woman just had a hip replacement surgery and is dancing better than Miley could ever hope for. She writes her own music, she produces her own music...therefore, she writes whatever SHE wants to and wears whatever SHE wants to. For me, it's a breath of fresh air in the music industry that's overwhelmingly full of instruments with artificial talent. (I'm talking about the artists, not their mixers and writers and producers and sound guys...etc.) So before you guys all start raving about how she's a has been because of one album she wrote in a week...make sure you have more talent in your body than she has in her fingernails. That's all.

Jabberwocky

"Imagination has no age, and dreams are forever."-Disney

When I was a young child, I was more somber and serious than the majority of my classmates. I took my education very seriously and helping around the house was a top priority of mine. I read nonstop and had only a couple close friends.

Now, looking back on that, I'm so terribly thankful I was that kid. As an adult, I have zero problems with dedicating my time off work to cleaning the house, doing favors for people, cooking, babysitting, etc. (you get the point, it's all that boring stuff we all have to do, as I am well aware.)

However, the unseen added benefit to being an overly mature young child with a few too many responsibilities, ended up being the ability to live outside societies normal conventions. I take nothing at face value and I certainly don't take advice on...well anything really. And it's because, my mind is still constantly growing, expanding, challenging itself and continuing its journey on sorting out the world and how it works. I'm glad that I am in no way stuck or tied down to anything. Whether those ties be physical or mental, I see everyone growing old with these notions of, "well this is how I was raised and dag-nab-it it's how I'm gonna be raising my kids too," cop out bullshit. Why wouldn't you want to do better? Evolve? Why can't you take an unbiased step back and say, you know, my parents weren't perfect, but no one is. Accept that. Move on. Everyone makes mistakes in life and sometimes children are the ones that pay for that, but I say, why don't we use those lessons to become better people? Why do emotions get in the way of your acceptance of the past and your carrying on with a better future? Why is there an entire generation of young women taking their clothes off, partying excessively, and sleeping with any number of undeserving men due to daddy issues? Why are there young men who have zero coping mechanisms due to their parents sour divorce? People of the world, take responsibility for your actions, and yours alone. What someone else has done to you is not your fault, but if you continue to not live your life to its fullest potential because you're using that as a crutch...then yeah, you're to blame as well.

Everyone needs a long hard look in the mirror, and a swift kick in the behind to get moving. Get to know yourself, and be okay with who you are! Strive to be a better person today. Whether that be shoveling a neighbour's sidewalk, feeding some birds, or giving someone the benefit of the doubt when they're being an absolute ass to you. If we don't try and grow as a race, we're certainly going to die as cowards.

Always.

I've never been a woman of simplicity nor extravagance. While being humble, in my opinion, is a great attribute to have, one of complexity, can be a burden to bear.

So now for the fun part, I'm going to be blasting some thoughts, observations, memories, and hypothetical questions your way and I will always welcome feedback. Even if it's an opposing view, just as long as we all conduct ourselves with respect here. That's all I ask. (I foresee me offending almost everyone accidentally anyways.)

Here's to a future of no impossibilities! Absolute madness! And bonkers rambling!

Yours truly,
Frankie the free-spirited Phoenix.